As I lay against your body/that will one day let you down.

3 years ago today, my grandfather passed away. I would have never expected how much I actually think about him, now that he is gone. The smallest things remind me of him: a dollar bill, an airplane passing overhead, the smell of wood. He truly was an amazing man and I regret everyday that I was neglected the opportunity to get to know him and that I never realized the true value of getting to know him. Now that he is gone, I cherish every memory, every connection I have to that man.

Today you were far away,
and I didn't ask you why.
What could I say?
I was far away.
You just walked away,
and I just watched you.
What could I say?

How close am I to losing you?

Tonight you just close your eyes,
and I just watch you
slip away.

How close am I to losing you?

Hey, are you awake?
Yeah, I'm right here.
Well can I ask you about today?

How close am I to losing you?
How close am I to losing?

Laying here, listening to the rain and thunder outside the window. The fan blowing lazy air over my sweaty, sticky skin. My hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, and clad in the barest of essentials.

It's nights like these that make me want to be an artist, a musician, a poet. I want to create beautiful things and have beautiful people appreciate them. It makes me want to make love in the dark and have someone trace their fingers across the ink etched into my skin. It makes me want to live in a little flat in a busy city and have a little bartending job and a yellow kitchen.

Tonight/you just close your eyes

And I just/watch you

Slip away.

I don't believe/in anything.

Sometimes I mean to update this blog more. But I'm not 100% sure anyone reads it. So then I don't. But I'm in the mood to write, so here I am.

School starts 1 week from today. I experienced the extreme disappointment and heartbreak of not getting into the program that I have been working on getting into for 6 years. The night I found out I got rejected was a pretty horrible night for me. I felt the weight of years of school and the thousands of dollars of debt crash down on me and I cried for hours. I cried for the disappointment of hard work down the drain. I cried for the frustration of being tossed through every stupid hoop and ring you possibly could by Utah State University. I cried for the anger of the professors who I sought help from for years and was brushed off hundreds of times. I cried for the panic of not having a back up plan. I cried for failing.

Luckily for me, I had been working on a Sociology minor and, after frantic research, found out that I only have 7 classes I have to take to graduate with a Sociology major instead. So I dropped all my classes, registered for new ones, and will (fingers crossed) graduate with 8 years of college in May 2012. I just need to drag my ass into three different offices to get my change of matriculation form signed. I'm not quite sure what I'll say to the head of the Social Work department when I go in to have her sign. "I played all your bullshit games and didn't get into the program, so I'm switching majors? Oh, and by the way, you've been the WORST academic advisor ever?"

On the work front, I have now been at my job for officially 1 year and 2 months and a week. I can't believe it's been that long. The past year has flown by so fast. I love most of my coworkers and 40% of the time enjoy the clients that I work with. I'm planning on staying there for at least the next school year and then will evaluate what I'm doing once I graduate. I just gotta figure out how to stop bringing work home with me. In the year that I have worked there, I have gained almost 60 pounds. High stress job (constantly worrying about girls running away, killing themselves, or trying to beat the shit out of me) equals high stress eating.

Someday I'll figure out the balance.

Another semester come and gone. Probably one of the worst I've had. I kind of gave up half way through, failed out of a class (the ONE class that has kept me from graduating for years now), bullshitted my way through my other two classes. And for some reason I really don't care. I've been going to college for almost 6 1/2 years now and I am *tired*. By the time I graduate, I could have gotten two master's degrees. I have several friends who graduated this weekend and I can't help but be insanely jealous. I'm so frustrated with going deeper and deeper and deeper into debt, while at the same time losing my drive and passion to graduate. I have worked full time since I was 16 years old. Have always been the one to work extra shifts, weekends, holidays, overtime, whatever was asked of me. And at 23, the thought of having a good 50+ years of full time work ahead of me makes me want to break down. I've been on one trip, because I'm working all the time and putting all my money towards paying the bills I've been paying for myself since I was 16.

*sigh*

I just need a break. A break from work, a break from school, a break from being responsible.

Starting another semester in a few hours. I've pretty much lost all the drive I have for school. People who started college after me have all been posting about this being their last semester of undergrad school, etc. and I can't help but be so unbearably jealous.

I should have graduated 3 years ago.

I'm ready to be done.

I'm grateful for my opportunity to go to school and that I can get an education.

But I'm ready to be done. Just a little break. I am tired of being a student.

Wow. 2011. A new year.

I set some goals for this new year. I hate the phrase "New Year's Resolutions". There's such an implication that you never keep them anyways and it's kind of a joke. So instead I'm just looking at it as finally kicking myself into gear so that I can feel good once the sun comes out and I could buy cute summer clothes.

The biggest goal for me is to keep into shape. I've never been "huge", but in the past 6 months, have gained the most weight I ever have. I'm assured that I don't look as big as I feel I do, but I want to get back down to feeling good about my body. I'm giving up soda and mindless eating when I'm bored, going to drink more water, and get to the gym more. I'm hoping that these small changes will make a huge difference.

School starts on Monday. I'll finally be applying for the social work program this semester. Finally on my way to graduating.