I'm still alive/but I'm barely breathing/Just prayed to a god/I don't believe in.

I am going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

Well now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
Of broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles

Leave/leave/and free yourself/at the same time/leave/leave/I don't understand/you've already gone...

Sometimes you listen to crazy dance music and dance while you are shoveling the driveway

and you forget

who you are

where you are

why you are

and you just

dance

dance

dance.

And then your tears freeze against your cheeks and the cold air burns your lungs and you scream into the dark sky and you let it all out into the glowing snow sky.

Sometimes winter is exactly how my soul feels. Beautiful, romantic, cold, inconvenient, and necessary.

It's beginning to look a lot like a deadly winter...

It is snowing right now. Literally dumping from the sky. Severe weather warning and rumored "blizzard-like conditions".

Looking out at the world being transformed into a desolate, dead, wasteland makes me more sick to my stomach than anything I can imagine right now. I am not a winter person. I hate cold, I hate snow, I hate skiing/snowboarding/sledding/any winter sport. I hate driving in the snow and having the risk of sliding off the road when you are only going 5 miles an hour. I hate that my entire life turns into eternally being late to EVERYTHING because I have to dig my way out of my driveway/scrape off my car/battle the very elements to get anywhere.

It seems like Cache Valley should have more snowplows and more effective snow removal, considering we go through this EVERY winter.

I feel sick. I want to throw up.

I need to move.

Sometimes/sometimes/my mind is too strong/to carry on/too strong to carry on.

Some nights I can't sleep and I lay awake for hours. Sometimes I think about how content I am, how things somehow seem to work themselves out, where my life is going at this point. Sometimes I cry, biting my lip to keep myself from sobbing aloud, fists balled, world spinning. I wonder who I would be if things had been different, if I'd had different friends, if I'd had more typical "high school" experience, if I'd done things differently. And I wonder who I am, what my future is, what the hell I am doing. I feel like my life is on a myriad of paths and I am standing on the outside, looking in, and unable to do anything. Who is going to choose what is going to happen? Will it be me or will it be someone pretending to be me? When am I going to start feeling like I'm actually living and not just playing out what I think I'm supposed to be?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sigh/and my breath is warm/against the frozen night sky

My fingertips tingle/and I long to reach out/and stroke your face

But you disappear/in a wisp of smoke/like you never really existed

And I cry/not because you're gone/but because I am.

Pick up your crazy heart/and give it one more try

School started today. I've been going to college now for 5 years and am really starting to feel it. I started taking college classes in high school, with high hopes of getting it over with early. But now I've passed the "typical" amount of time someone is supposed to be in college and am still potentially two years from graduating. I don't feel like I'm progressing anywhere, just getting more and more into debt to be stressed out for 8 months of the year. College is going to be worth it, right? To get that really expensive piece of paper that says I can get paid really shitty to work a high stress job?

*sigh*

I've walked a million steps/and have only just begun...

Wow. So it's been awhile. I had all these goals of blogging regularly and then...I...didn't.

Here's a quick picture view into stuff that's happened to me:

Got a family tribute tattoo.

Got a nice new car.

Got an adorable dog named Jethro (who just graduated from puppy training class today!)

Got my wisdom teeth out.

Some other major stuff that has happened (that I don't have pictures for):

* Got a raise at Elements for bartending (1 of 3 people that did).

* Got a new job working at a youth treatment home working with girls with emotional and social problems.

* Finally passed enough trivial math classes to make it into Stats this fall and finally progressing towards graduating.

* Dissolved unhealthy friendships that were hindering my self-improvement.

My biggest goals this summer:

* GET OUT OF DEBT!

* Manage my money more efficiently.

* EXERCISE!

* Eat healthy and take care of my body.

* Spend as much time outside as possible.

* Read for pleasure.

I recently made a bigger lifestyle change and have started eating all natural/organic (when available). Educating myself on our food production system in this country and making the change to committing to unadulterated, unprocessed foods was one of the biggest (and best!) things I've chosen to do. Though I am still working on getting into the hang of it, I already feel a million times better than I ever have and have learned to explore foods and choices I never would have.

I'm progressing towards improving my overall life and the things that I am in control of.

And I'm more in love with K. than ever :D